Archive for January, 2011

Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland (Paperback) 

Daniel Togg led a fairly placid life within McDonaldland, working for The Blessed McDonald’s Corporation like everyone else that’s left in this post-post apocalyptic world. Togg’s doing okay, working his mindless gig, making illegal fire-water out of ketchup packets, until he discovers he is one of the many men-folk who seems to be mutating extra limbs. The females of McDonaldland are gradually turning into wolves, becoming more wolf-like as the women become sexually active. Unfortunately for both groups, the mutations of the men and the sexuality of the women are seen as a threat to the stability and purity of McDonaldland. So, out into the harsh and unforgiving environs of the Wasteland, they go.
Besides trying to avoid all of the apartment building sized alpha wolves, the mutated men (outlanders) and the hyper-violent women (wolf warriors) spend their time trying to survive by hitting the McDonald’s supply runs and fighting amongst themselves. Until the day comes when all three groups come together for a Wasteland armegeddon and all the wonderfully written bloody visceral violence. Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland is CM3’s longest book since Satan Burger and arguably one of his best. I enjoyed the hell out of it!
CM3 is one of the founding members and current stalwart of the Bizarro genre uprising (uprising sounds much cooler than movement, don’t ya think?). CM3 is a very prolific writer with 26 books under his belt in less than a decade, and holds great relevence to the Bizarro genre and scene as a whole. And he is a very gracious, nice guy. Meeting his Royal Chop-ness in person can be quite intimidating. He’s a big dude. CM3 seems as if he could and would crush your skull with one of his huge mitts with no more effort than it would be for him to squash an aluminum pop can. He’s quiet, too. I don’t know how someone that displaces so much air can ninja his way so quietly, but he does. Coupled with his darkly garbed uniform, CM3 would make a more than passable James Bond-type villian. But he’s not. CM3 is just a writer. One of the best on the planet.
Thank Gods.

Ass Goblins of Auschwitz (Paperback)

I have been digging Bizarro fiction for exactly 13 months, 13 days, 13 hours, 13 minutes…and counting. In that time I’ve gobbled some incredible stories. As Katt Williams would say: “But this sheet? This sheet right here?” this is pure Bizarro. More than just a weird concept, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz should be the Poster Child of Bizarro. It is weird characters doing weird things in a weird setting. Kind of like Candyland on near-lethal doses of acid. If you ever wanted to quickly explain to a newbie what Bizarro is, toss them this book.

Auschwitz is made of the body parts of children and is tended to by children. The Ass Goblins run a cruel, tight ship. They forced the children from their beloved home in KidLand and have been their slaves ever since. Life expectancy in the cold death camp is horrid,(snowflakes shaped like swastikas)squalid and dangerous (ass-goblins get mad and go into ‘sheet slaughter’ SS mode)with toilet toads climbing up their hoo-hahs and licking their insides, make bicycles for the ass goblins out of dead children, etc. etc.

The two sets of twins plan an escape after some gruesome medical experiments were performed on them. Will they make out of Auschwitz or will the exiting return of Adolph thwart their plans? You will have to dive in and swim around in Pierce’s incredible and zany imagination to find out.

Check this one out. Cameron put the ‘B’ in Bizarro and he is just getting started. I dig it the most!

Shatnerquake (Paperback)

It is Mr. Shatner’s world and we are just in it. There are more William Shatners in Shatnerquake than you can shake a light saber at. My personal fave was the Rescue 911 Shatner, telling all who will listen that this is really happening.

For the Real Shatner, the convention was just one of many he has had to endure. All was going just swell until the worshippers of Bruce Campbell decide to set off a ‘fiction bomb’ with the intention of wiping from the face of the Earth the very existence of Shatner. Instead, the convention is filled to the breaking point with every character Shatner ever played, including himself, himself and even himself. A veritable Shatnerpalooza ensues with convention nerds getting the same dose of violently comic Burk madness as do the Campbellians and the many Shatners themselves.

I was fortunate enough to see the mad hatter in action, doing his one-man Shatnerquake reading/slash/show at the BizarroCon in Portland last year. It was every bit as zany and cool as he is. I laughed my fool head off.

The book is just as fun. Treat yourself to the madcap mayhem as only a Bizarro Brutha like Jeff Burk can do.

Get your Uhura all dolled up in her shortest red uniform dress and set your phasers to stun. Shatnerquake…is…energized!

Archelon Ranch (Paperback)

What happens to an author’s characters when their services are no longer required? Will they accept their increasingly anemic demise? Or will they break out and attempt to be something more?

This is the premise (at least my interpretation) of Bizarro Beef Cake Garrett Cooks’s Archelon Ranch.

The story is told from Clyde’s POV. Which is interesting being that Clyde is Bernard’s brother. Bernard, not Clyde, is the annointed protagonist in this tale. Bernard doesn’t appreciate it though. Archelon Ranch is Bernard’s destiny, but Clyde’s going there too. Whether Garrett Cook (the author and therefore god of this book) likes it or not. Cheeky monkey!

Filled with weird characters such as self-aware headgear, rabid dinos, gilawalruses, a self-absorbed Rev. (may the plot preserve us), randy cannibal Suburbanites and the worst shopping mall you have ever been to.

Archelon Ranch is a crazy weird tale penned by the crazy weird Bizarro pulp-smith Garrett Cook and all he wants is a little Objectivity.

Here’s a little taste of the pasta sauce: “There is no future for the drowned, no body for this casket. There are no attendees for this funeral. There are no readers for these poems.”

Shoot, son! That’s some gorgeous filth right there.

And ain’t you glad he did.

Carnageland (Paperback)

Jeez-O-Petes! I’m telling you, Eraserhead Press has such an uncanny knack for mining new writing talent. In Carnageland author David Barbee showcases his talent in a tale that kept me turning the pages and chuckling delightfully. BTW, have you ever seen the Reverend chuckle delightfully? It’s pretty Mary. Don’t tell anyone.

The alien invader, 898, has been assigned to violently soften up Carnageland prior to the full scale invasion. Carnageland is a world who’s inhabitants seem to mimic all of our favorite childhood stories. And not just Rapunzle and dwarves and flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz and whatnot, but also Bizarro versions of Peter Pan pirates and even ol’ Harry Potter and his pals.

898 has to slice and dice his way through these popular characters and many, many others (the wizches were superb). 898 must rid any and all opposition to the forthcoming invasion. It is 898’s first mission and he must succeed. Glory and a nice little promotion are on the line. 898 tackles his task with much vim, vigor and splattered bits and pieces.

My favorite ‘character’ in Carnageland has got to be 898’s weapon of choice: the DOOMSHOOTER! What’s so cool about this alien gun is that every foe encountered gets shot with a completely new, weird and wonderfully violent means of dispatch. All kinds of crazy things emerges from the business end of said Doomshooter. I don’t want to tell you all the awesome stuff that comes out… that was a big chunk of the fun for the Reverend. I don’t want to take that away from you. It would be a sin and awfully hypocritical of me, so…

For a reader as jaded as Rage, this fun Bizarro tale was a breath of fresh air.

Rotten Little Animals (Paperback)

Imagine you are a typical 13 year old boy, just glancing out of your bedroom window. Just daydreaming, drifting along, watching the neighbor lady with sugar MILF plums dancing around in your fevered little head, when something in the adjacent yard catches your eye. Something truly strange. A movie being filmed. With animals. By animals. Talking, acting, filming, directing. And just when your young mind begins to register the shock of that crazy scene, the animal production crew notices YOU. Oh, no. Humans can’t know that ALL animals can talk. Nature’s delicate balance will be thrown completely out of whack. It is the animal world’s only real Law and the film crew just broke it.

The boy must be silenced.

Therein lies the heart and guts of this wickedly funny Bizarro novella from newcomer Kevin Shamel. With Dirty Rat, Filthy Pig, Scaredy Cat and many other marvelous animal characters, Shamel paints his imaginary (we hope!) world of liquor guzzling, dope doing, coital fiending, ultra-violent animals that will make you show a wee bit more respect and love to Fido and Fluffy than you might normally give them.

The pacing of the story is superb and the descent into this mad world was just right. My hat’s off, once again, to the Bizarro folks at Eraserhead for another gem of a tale (tail?).

Kevin Shamel’s “Rotten Little Animals” is more fun to read than a barrel full of drunken monkeys and randier than a lab full of stoned test bunnies.

Now, if you will excuse me. The Reverend had better take his pit bull, Bennie, out for a nice long walk. You know… just in case.

“Here, Bennie! Daddy loves you…”  

Where to Turn When One is Weary of Lame Shit ...

The Doomed ...

Dark, mad, crazy as a fuckin' bed-bug shit from the Most Depraved Writer in Print. Recognize.

The Place in Between:

When Del is sent pictures of his wife’s latest affair, he reasons a .45 caliber bullet will answer his problems. To Del’s dismay, that’s only the beginning of his time spent wedged in the place in between. Luci’s lover tortures Del relentlessly. Del wants to recover just enough to seek revenge on them both. Sure enough a demon shows up with her silky-sweet promises. Then the ambiance twists dark and cruel beyond anything any one of them could’ve imagined.

  Blood and Bubblegum:

It’s colder than frozen shit down here in the dangerous tunnels of The Harbor in the post-cataclysmic world (ACE). Juan and I find ourselves here, in this horrible place because of The Good Doctor. His organic narcotics trade is booming. Juan, Mary and I want in. We have to find TGD and the nocturne, see if they will let us. We are down. We are hungry. And we are bringing Blood and Bubblegum to sweeten the pot. All of our dreams will come true. The only uncertainty is Mary and Juan living long enough to reap the rewards.

Bad Notion, Traveling Potion:

The second day of the fifth waxing moon, in the 24th year, ACE. The frozen earth of The Harbor is in the grips of a new Little Ice Age. The human populace is down to just one-third. They are forced to exist in long, dank tunnels and cramped domiciles underground with The Good Doctor and his creations of Halflings and other freaks and geeks. TGD’s latest organic narcotic discovery goes LIVE and becomes self-aware. The bad notion traveling potion makes meat puppet users do its unholy bidding. Then the monster decides to turn on TGD, the Creator. Not the best idea, this. But it sure is going to be fun to watch.



Two days ago:

Juan went back to the same dark shoddy bar, again.
And, again, he went without Mary. She stayed
away to tend to Bubblegum, keeping her stoned
and happy. The comely coop-chick still thought they
both had a sex crush on her. They let that cluck-fuck
fantasy remain intact. We decided that it would be
prudent and to our advantage to keep from telling
her the whole truth. At least not until our hand was
called. None of us ever mentioned me.
Morbid is not everyone’s favorite late-night radio
talk show host. Of this I am quite aware.
“I want to shove it up her tiny stink-hole,” I say,
by way of example. “Please tell me I can.” I am not
the politest of company. I don’t really know of any
unholy shit monsters that are. I guess that it kind of
goes with the territory.
“Maybe,” Juan told me, “we’ll have to see how this
whole thing plays out.”
Yes, we will,” I agree. It’s not easy being green.
“Let’s not talk about that shit right now, Morbid,”
Juan replied, and rightly so. “Game faces, bro.”
“Yeah,” I say with all the forced bravado I could
muster, “Let’s bag us a vampire!”
Juan and I needed to find the nocturne in a bad
way. Juan and Mary were in hock up to their eyeballs
keeping the hen high on Plata. This shit is crazy
If we didn’t rustle us up a steady source
of income soon, the goon squad would find us.
That’s bad, real bad. They will send more than
enough knuckle draggers to see us that even I, the
unholy shit monster, won’t be able to save Juan and
Mary. Motherfuckers are as serious as a heart attack
when it comes to their wet, sticky cash money. And
without Juan, I would be lost. The nocturne must be
This time we needed a face-to-face meeting. It’s
frustrating because we hadn’t been able to locate the
elusive blood drinker. We could hardly believe it. All
this time and work and we can’t even find the nocturne.
And once we do (heaven help us) the real
work will begin. No wonder Juan was so edgy.
Other than this crap-awful bar down here
amongst the dregs, we had no real clue of how to
find him. Nobody knew the vampire, or where he
cribbed or even how to contact him. It didn’t matter,
however. Juan wanted no-one but his Mary, him and
me in on this plan.
The Harbor may be seen as nothing more than
a dystopian ghetto shit hole, and it most certainly
is, but we knew small town rules still applied. Everybody
knew everybody’s business down here in
the great stinky half-frozen tunnels. Everyone knew
who was zooming who. It’s just like old Mayberry, but
with a much higher body count.
Except in Mayberry, Andy and Barney wouldn’t
let you get the skin flayed off your body while fucking
a dead dog for a 5K NewRupee auto-deduct.
Fucking squares!”

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